


The Last of the Real Ones

by Sagas



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders (Dragon Age) Positive, Anders is going through some issues, Blue-Purple Hawke (Dragon Age), Fenders, Fenris is going through some issues as well, Fluff, Hawke helps how he can, Justice Positive, M/M, Mage Rights, Mild Smut, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Slavery sucks as well, The Chantry sucks, handers - Freeform, they both had a horrible life after all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-01-23 13:32:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sagas/pseuds/Sagas
Summary: Of the various issues in Kirkwall, Anders has his fair share of those coming from being an apostate, while Fenris has slavers still chasing him all the way from Tevinter. And albeit they have a similar past and a similar call to freedom, not even Hawke seems capable of getting them to overcome their differences.Until one day, after an argument which risked to end quite badly, Anders comes up with an idea to try and find common ground.(This story begins during Act 2, shortly before Dissent. The first chapters are mostly Handers, but Fenris will be included soon.)





	1. He who can bring the Fade into this world

 

There hardly were good days in the damp, mephitic tunnels of Darktown. Usually a decent day meant a quiet one, with not too many people lining up before the twin lanterns of the healer’s clinic, no epidemics or food poisoning running wild, and no Templars prying around the place.

And most certainly, that one had been anything but a good day.

There was a collapse, too superficial to affect the directly above streets of Lowtown, but severe enough to bury areas of the Undercity under their own weight. Various rotten beams had given up to the mold, walls and tunnels had tumbled down and crushed what was below them, and it was just a matter of coincidence that everything had happened far enough from the clinic for it not to be affected.

The numerous injured had quickly gathered there, and Anders had depleted his magic to the very core, knitting back muscles and bones, and expelling stone chippings from people’s lungs and flesh. Two lyrium potions later he had gone to the sites of the collapse to help, trying to dig out those imprisoned by the debris but still alive, and his magic had come in handy both for that and to save them from their injuries.

And over the course of the whole happening, obviously no one from Low or Hightown had even poked their noses in there. It always felt as if there was nothing out the putrid corners of Darktown. As if they weren’t even in Kirkwall, but in some hole forgotten by the rest of the world, with no means to surface.

Anders had eventually retreated to his clinic, at that point being so tired he almost sleepwalked his way back there. There was blood on his clothes and blood all over the place in fact, the clinic being a gory mess he absolutely needed to clean up, but just couldn’t do it right now.

He stumbled and almost fell on a cot but didn’t bother, knowing he needed to recover for a while before doing anything. Halfway to unconsciousness, a part of him felt suddenly unsure to have bolted the doors after getting in, but the thought didn’t have the proper time to form before he drifted into slumber. And it felt like a single moment had passed when he surfaced back to awareness, jolting sat on the cot at the feeling of being touched.

Before he even focused, he could tell it was Hawke. And Justice had been probably keeping watch while he slept, informing him now that there was no danger.

«Hey.» Garrett called him, clearly trying to make eye contact. He was kneeling before the cot, a hand on the mage’s forearm. «Are you alright?» He gently squeezed his wrist. «I didn’t mean to startle you. The door was open.»

Anders nodded, pressing a hand on his face to push back the drowsiness.

«It’s alright. Been a mess today.» He peeked from behind his fingers. The clinic looked like the scene of a slaughter, and he almost gave a disgusted noise. «There was a collapse on the western corner.»

«I heard.» Hawke took something from a side, it was a blanket. He opened it up and wrapped it around the mage’s shoulders, and Anders realized to be shivering. «I’ve been out of Kirkwall for the whole day, Aveline informed me as soon as I got back. She sent some guards to help I believe, even if I suppose she was kind of late. Merrill said they felt a small quake in the Alienage.»

Anders gave another half nod. Aveline’s guards were indeed late, but at least someone was helping now. It was more than the standard for Darktown.

«You’re so pale you look like you drained your own blood.» Garrett commented, and the mage looked at him again. «No blood magic intended.»

He smiled vaguely, trying to reply with something witty, but his thoughts were still kind of pasty. And he had to clean up the clinic for new patients, and to avoid infections caused by all that filth.

«I’m just tired.» He opted to answer, getting up from the cot. «It’s fine, I’ve healed worse.»

Hawke raised both eyebrows in an unconvinced look, standing up as well.

«I’m no skilled healer, but I can tell you need to rest.» Said then. «I know that look on your face. You plan on washing up this place and then faint on the clean floor. May I suggest you to sleep for a while before you do that, or am I overstepping my boundaries…?»

«You’re overstepping your boundaries.» Anders shrugged away the blanket and moved past him to retrieve cleaning tools. «You can either help me or chide me fruitlessly. Your choice.»

He heard a sigh behind his shoulders while filling a bucket from the water tank.

«Anders, I know this whole place thinks it needs you…» Garrett went on, «but you’ll be useless tomorrow if you don’t get some rest.»

The mage stayed true to his words and ignored the nag, and moved to pour water on a dark bloodstain.

«And you don’t seem intentioned to even eat something. I do realize that the environment is kind of an appetite killer, though.»

He smiled to himself, still ignoring Hawke, and poured more water for good measure. Soap and a hard scrubbing would have done the rest.

«I shouldn’t have awakened you, that’s it.» Garrett sighed again. «I admit I considered picking you up and carry you to my estate, but you did snap up as if I poked you with a dagger, as soon as I dared to touch you.»

Anders kept saying nothing and focused on what he was doing, just nibbling the inside of his cheek. A part of him liked the idea to wake up in Hawke’s estate, of course. But he decided not to dwell on that, the other mage’s presence being already too much of a distraction.

Sure enough he was glad to see that Garrett had come to check on him, after hearing of the collapse, and probably out of worry Anders himself could have gotten involved. Nonetheless, other people needed two strong arms more than him now, and Hawke could provide; the mage was about to speak his mind about it, but a hold on his wrist took him by surprise.

«I’m all against ordering people around and everything,» Hawke said. «So I’m giving you fair conditions, like you did before. You can either accept my help to clean up this place, _but_ you’ll come to my estate and rest after that, or you can ignore me again and be dragged there now. Luckily for me it’s a very close location, and you have bird bones.»

«As if I’d let you drag me anywhere.» The mage replied with a half-smile, pulling back his arm. «Also, you should consider that carrying me to your estate would be quite inappropriate.»

«Would it though.» Garrett smiled as well. «I’m still waiting for an answer.»

Anders cleared his throat and avoided staring back. He could react unfazed most of the times, but tiredness was getting in the way right now.

«Help me clean if you like.» He eventually said with a shrug. «Then we’ll see if you can come up with a good reason why I shouldn’t rest here.»

Hawke answered with a low “hm”, then fixed a loose lock of blonde hair behind the mage’s ear, took the scrubbing broom from his hand and walked away.

Anders huffed to himself and went to retrieve some more water. It was very like Hawke to act flirty indeed, and he didn’t really mind, usually flirting back if the circumstances permitted. But he had kind of stopped doing so since Garrett had gotten into that… thing, whatever it was after all, with Fenris. Anders had felt like he had no place to step in between them, even as a joke… even if it was a very bitter pill to swallow, and it painfully stung to know that Hawke’s attentions were focused on _that elf,_ of all people.

_Don’t get started on this,_ he told himself with a wince, moving around to trash torn clothes and used bandages.

He might have been overdoing things at the clinic because of those thoughts, lately. Because of how close Fenris and Hawke had become in the past months. He might have refused to join some errands with Garrett and the others, and skipped some weekly nights at the Hanged Man. “Isolating” was a big word to use, but Anders was indeed trying to spend as little time as possible in their company.   

It was immature and insensitive, he damn knew. It wasn’t like things had changed much in their strange group dynamic, after all. And Anders had never been the jealous type himself. But knowing that Hawke had chosen Fenris to be such an important part of his life stung, and he couldn’t help it, and wanted to yell at Fenris for nothing in particular except probably existing.

_This is so senseless._ He stopped, soap and rag in his hands, staring bitterly at a dirty cot. _It’s so irrational I don’t even know why I’m still dwelling on it._

«Where do I exactly put this…?» It was Hawke asking with a half voice, and the mage turned towards him, seeing that he was holding a filthy doll of sort, sewn together to resemble an animal. It must have belonged to some child patient or relative. «Guess it carries more diseases than the Hanged Man’s floor.»

«Just trash it.» Anders waved towards the sack he was using to gather garbage. «I’ll find who lost it and give them a new one.»

«I didn’t know you could sew.»

«Sure enough I can only mend. I meant that I’ll buy another toy for the kid who lost theirs.»

Hawke was now looking at him with an amused expression, for whatever reason.

«What…?» Anders asked after a few moments of silence.

«Nothing. I just pictured you strolling around the Lowtown market to buy some doll.» Garrett tossed the dirty toy into the garbage sack and resumed scrubbing the floor. «I suppose I could get some for the children here. And maybe some food too.»

The mage smiled a little and returned to his task as well.

«Lirene told me you poured a lot of coins into donations already.» He observed while getting to the last of the dirty cots, pushing back the tiredness. He would have gladly used a lyrium potion right now, but his stash was empty. Some sleep would’ve probably been good too. «But if you show up here with food and gifts, you’ll become Darktown’s sweetheart in no time. Bringing presents beats being a healer.»

«You sure about that…» Hawke muttered, and Anders glanced at him struggling to remove more stains from the floor. «Maybe I should join you here, from time to time. I do know some healing magic too.»

The mage reflexively frowned, not quite able to picture Hawke working with him. He did know some healing magic, true, but the kind which was useful to heal freshly opened wounds and such. Garrett was a battlemage, not a Spirit Healer, even if some help with the clinic would have been certainly welcome…

«You’d distract me.» He eventually commented, pouring the dirty water into a hole on the floor, directly above the sewer stream. «I can’t afford to focus on you if I’m-»

He stopped and blinked at himself, then heard Hawke laughing softly and rolled his eyes up.

«I meant that you wouldn’t be much of a help but more of a nuisance.» He tossed Garret a dirty rag, hitting him on an arm and making him chuckle louder. «Very funny, yeah. Go on, exploit my being tired. You’re one great friend, Hawke, coming here and making fun of me while I’m exhausted.»

«You did this all by yourself, you know.» The other observed, picking up the rag to toss it back at him. «And you’re right, it’s too easy. Let’s just finish this and have a proper meal, then we can throw shitty puns at each other.»

Anders sighed with a smile and silently agreed. There should have been more moments like those, to him and Garrett by themselves. Maybe it would be a good idea if Hawke actually decided to help him with the clinic, from time to time, even just for the sake of spending time together.

A touch of warmth into his chest, Justice of course, reminded the mage that he shouldn’t be distracted by his fascination for the battlemage. He had people to heal, and his mission to help mages most of all, and Garrett was a great friend and ally but Anders had to focus on not consider him any more than that. And not only because Fenris was in the way.

Just recently he had infiltrated the Gallows through an underground passage, and saw firsthand what was happening there. In that occasion, only the presence of five runaway mages had prevented him from going berserk, after realizing that he had gotten _very close_ to the monster who had branded Karl with Tranquility.   

He sighed and tried to dismiss those considerations, leaning on the wall for a moment to recollect himself. He was too tired to dwell upon that now. Just thinking about that Templar had him _and_ Justice furious, and what he really didn’t need was a burst of anger to end that horrible day.

He pressed fingers on his chest and tried to ease the spirit, reminding them both that they would have done something about that. Teared the whole Gallows down and killed that Ser Alrik, if it would come to it; he was nothing but a sadist tormentor, torturing mages for his own amusement and turning them Tranquil to use them as puppets. He had to be stopped, and he had to _pay._

True enough, mages were being turned Tranquil all over Thedas, Ser Alrik or not. Probably even right now in Kirkwall, just around the corner, for the most trivial reasons. Even if they had passed their Harrowing. Even if they had done nothing to be considered a threat of any kind.

«Let’s call it a day.» Hawke was standing before him, Anders realized looking up, and the floor was mostly clean. He had been probably leaning on that wall for a while now. «You can pick up here after you get some rest.»

He rubbed his eyes and tried his best to swallow everything down. The bliss of sleep didn’t feel so inviting anymore, now that anger was bubbling up into his chest.

«In a while.» He answered then, moving away to resume.

«Let’s call it a day, come on.» The other insisted, placing a hand on his shoulder. «The clinic is decent, and your manifesto can wait a few hours. I know it’s not my place to insist, but hear me out… you’re no use to anyone if you push yourself too hard. Come to my estate, you can bathe and eat, and tomorrow we go to Hightown and shop for a nice doll to give to that kid. How does this sound?»

Anders wanted to say that it sounded nice and agree, but the part of him which was still focused on the sun brand on mages’ forehead didn’t allow him to. So he just nodded, somehow hoping that Hawke would have actually dragged him all the way to his estate, because leaving the clinic by his own will alone seemed quite hard right now.

_These are intrusive thoughts,_ he told himself as Hawke nodded back. _I’m just tired. It’s been a terrible day. Tomorrow will be better._

«Is it Justice which doesn’t want you to rest…?» Garrett asked with a somehow cautious tone, still keeping a hand on his shoulder.

«No, no. He scolds me if I don’t get enough sleep, and he’s as much tired as I am.» The mage forced a smile, knowing that the spirit was basically exhausted, having supported him throughout the day with the excessive amount of healing magic they had to produce. «It’s just… it’s me. Let’s just go before I change my mind again.»

Hawke nodded once more and gently guided him towards the clinic door, keeping that hand on the small of his back. And Anders almost smiled again, supposing he was probably looking like a real mess right now, for Garrett to act so considerate.

They were halfway to the exit when a noise had both of them stop abruptly. Heavy steps, those of a small group of people. All clad in armors. Anders instinctively tensed up and felt for the staff behind his back, finding nothing; his weapon was lying in a corner, he recalled, having put it behind some crates hours prior not to have it in the way, and he was so out of focus that he’d been about to leave it there.

«It might be Aveline’s men.» Hawke observed in a low voice. «Maybe she asked them to check on you.»

The mage highly doubted that but didn’t answer, and kept staring at the door while quickly moving to retrieve his staff. He could hear people talking outside now, commenting something about a lantern, and he realized he had in fact forgot to douse the lantern too. He cursed under his breath, while Hawke casually crossed arms and seemed to wait for the door to open.

The door did a moment later, slamming out of the hinges with a kick, and Anders counted eight Templars moving inside.

«Good evening, gentlemen.» Garrett said in a casual tone. «Looking for dangerous criminals, I take it.»

The group seemed to hesitate, surely recognizing Hawke. He was a nobleman by now, and probably the least they expected to find in a hole in Darktown. Anders, from his corner and now mostly hidden by the crates, kept a hold on his staff and decided that it was best to stay put for the moment… the intruders seemed not to have spotted him yet, and there was the chance that they would have simply left. And better not to involve Garrett in yet another fight against Templars, if possible.

«We have gotten words of an apostate operating here.» One of the men answered, the one sporting the Knight-Lieutenant garments, moving forward and standing before Hawke. «And a woman claims she was healed with magic, after being pulled out of the debris in Darktown. What is your business in the Undercity?»

«There’s the City Guard around, helping with the damage done by the collapse.» Garrett nodded, apparently ignoring the question. «You could ask them to keep an eye out for you… I’m sure they’ll gladly cooperate with your order, after they finish aiding the people.»

«Search the place.» The Templar waved at the others, but kept glaring at Hawke. «Take account of everything notable, if the mage isn’t here we must find a trail. And your friendship with Viscount Dumar won’t shield you this time, Garrett Hawke… if you’re in business with an apostate, the Knight-Commander will have your head.»

Anders had to grip his staff harder at that. He already knew how much Hawke was risking, being a mage in Kirkwall, and that threat had him straining to keep focus and stay hidden, not to ruin the potential element of surprise. Eight Templars were many for him in his current state, but he knew he could push them back.

He prepared himself for a fight, trying to draw on the remaining tendrils of his mana. Something along those lines would have happened at some point, it was just a matter of time… he had gotten away with his activities for years already, and his clinic was well known by now.

Still, he wouldn’t want to involve Hawke, especially because it could compromise his position. But apparently that day was bound to be a shitty one.

«Say, gentlemen…» Garrett said all of a sudden, right before Anders was about to step in the open. «Supposed that you find this mage who dared to heal injured people in Darktown… would you bring him to the Gallows to meet the Knight-Commander’s unforgiving procedures?»

«All apostates are dangerous, therefore he would be brought to the Gallows for his Harrowing, as to ensure he’s no threat for himself and others.» The Knight-Lieutenant answered with a clearly annoyed tone.

«Then I will gladly save you some time.» Hawke replied. «That dangerous apostate is me.»

A that, Anders widened his eyes and the other Templars stopped abruptly, all of them turning towards Hawke.

«What are you talking about?» The Knight-Lieutenant seemed uncertain, but he placed a hand on his sword’s hilt anyway. «You-»

«I possess Arcane abilities. You got words of a healer operating here, and here I am… and if you check outside, second tunnel on the right, you will see that there’s a passage leading directly to my personal estate.» Hawke widened his arms with a small shrug. «So you see, you found your man. I get down here from time to time and heal people. It amazes me that you didn’t realize upon finding me, but anyhow… do you want to lead the way up to the Gallows?»

The men seemed to hesitate, and Anders’ breath hitched, making him realize that he had been holding it. He tried to snap into action but something into him was just outright frozen, keeping him half crouched behind those crates.

«Seize him up.» The Knight-Lieutenant said with almost a growl, gesturing the men again. «Put magic suppressors on him. You’re done mocking our order, Fereldan.»

_No._

Anders’ fingers ached for how strongly he was gripping his staff. Images of three years before flashed into his mind; Hawke arriving at his clinic and promising help to get to the Chantry, them going there that same night, the sun brand on Karl’s forehead.

“ _You brought a piece of the Fade into this world.”_

_No,_ he shook his head, rising to his feet as the Templars approached Hawke, which didn’t seem willing to resist them. _Not him. Not Garrett._

Justice swelled so strongly inside him that it _hurt,_ covering his vision in blue raging flames.

«Don’t you _dare._ » He roared, moving forward with his staff burning like a torch. « _You fiends will never touch a mage again!_ »

All the Templars faced him while unsheathing their swords, the Knight-Lieutenant shouting orders, as Anders felt energy from the Fade filling his exhausted limbs, directly channeled by Justice.

What followed was a blur, as it usually happened when the spirit surged forward in that violent way. Simple magic-suppressing abilities didn’t work on a Fade entity manifesting like that, similar as to with an Abomination. And Templars were just mortal men.

They bled under their heavy armors, and screamed when raw magic pierced their bodies like blazing halberds, erupting from the mage’s fingers.

He found himself looking at the last one standing through a glowing layer of Fade energy. He gritted his teeth, summoning more magic into his staff to end whoever else stood in his way; only to step back a moment later, realizing he was staring into Garrett’s amber eyes.

«It’s over.» Hawke said, raising both hands. «Anders, it’s over. It’s me.»

The blue radiance receded and he lost his footing, and his hold on the staff. He blinked again, finding himself on the ground, headache pumping in both his temples and Garrett holding him up, a hand on his chest.

«I…» He tried to say, but his voice hardly came out. There was pain on his side, and his body was completely devoid of magic.

«You’re wounded.» He heard the other answer, then a warmth came from his palm. «I’m healing you now.»

Anders frowned, his eyes now closed. He had the faint recollection of swords reaching him while he fought, but it was all too blurry. He knew there were dead Templars all around them. He knew he had risked to hurt Garrett too.

_I’m sorry,_ he thought, trying to grip the other’s shirt to stay awake. He also tried to speak again to apologize, but couldn’t. _We had to go as you wanted. I should have listened. I’m sorry._

«I got you.» He heard Hawke say softly. «I’m not as good at healing as you are, but you’ll be alright. Rest now. I’ll take care of this.»

The mage tried to swallow and nod, and ended up relaxing whether he wanted or not. Familiar healing magic kept flowing into him and he sighed, pain subsiding little by little.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~  
> We put together and polished some roleplay sessions, and thought that they would nicely fit into a fanfiction. We mostly stuck to canon but there are some divergences, which will be explained if necessary.  
> We're not native English speakers, so feel free to point out any mistake and help us improve!
> 
> Additional tags will be added at the beginning of the chapters when needed, and as the story progresses.
> 
>  
> 
> [Sagas' DeviantArt](https://www.deviantart.com/s-e-sagas/art/Handers-Dragon-Age-794927997)  
> 


	2. It takes one hot second to turn it around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big hug and cookies to all those who left comments! We're glad for the feedback, and we hope you'll keep liking the story as it goes ♥
> 
> This chapter contains some mild smut and A LOT of fluff, be warned~

 

Unlike usual he awoke slowly, his vision gradually focusing on the canopy of a bed. And albeit confused and still half asleep, he could immediately tell that he had _no idea_ where he was, his last memory that of fainting on the floor of his clinic, surrounded by dead Templars.

A feeling of dread had him sit up in a jolt. He didn’t know what place that was, what happened to Hawke, what had been of those bodies left there in his clinic. As he took in the surroundings, consisting in a bedroom with a fireplace and elegant furniture, Justice sent him the knowledge of what had transpired while he was passed out; the spirit had kept on watch again, now informing him that Hawke had carried him to his mansion, where a young elven lady had cleaned him up and checked on him for… a whole day.

So he was in Garrett’s bedroom. It made sense. And had been sleeping for almost twenty hours.

Anders sighed, running a hand through his hair, more calm at the knowledge of being in a safe spot. He slipped his palm under the shirt, to feel the tender skin on the side of his chest; he had been wounded there, and vaguely recalled Hawke healing him. It hadn’t been anything too serious most likely, and he just produced a small amount of healing magic to avoid it scarring.

He still felt faint for all the hours of sleep, now also kind of uncomfortable for laying on Hawke’s bed, and most of all, not really knowing what to do next. Something moved on his right and he almost twitched, but realized it was just Garrett’s Mabari, which seemed to have been lying on the carpet next to the bedside.

The dog happily wagged its tail and looked so silly and content that the mage had to smile a little. He reached out and patted its neck, and the dog gave a happy bark and licked his hand. Then turned around and strolled out, pulling the door with a paw enough to crack in open and move through, and as soon as it did, Anders could hear voices coming from outside.

He frowned a little and tried to listen. He could recognize Hawke’s timbre, and he was talking with… Varric, or so it seemed. They were speaking about him, actually. About something happening in Darktown right now…

The dog barked and covered their voices, and Anders clicked his tongue with a frustrated sound. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, wanting to go join the others, but the door opened fully  before he could stand up; Hawke went in, dragged by the Mabari which was pulling him by the wrist, with Varric right behind.

«Blondie!» The dwarf greeted open arms, while Garrett was trying to get the dog off himself. «About time you came back from the dead. You got uncle Varric all worried.»

«I’ll get something to eat.» Hawke added with a smile, patting the other’s shoulder. «How are you feeling, Anders?»

The mage blinked at both of them, then had to focus on the Mabari for it got to him again and barked happily, trying to lap at his hands.

«I’m…» He smiled at the joyful creature, stroking his neck again. «I do feel like I came back from the dead, but I’m fine. I slept for a whole day, hm?»

«Like a drugged log.» Varric nodded as Garrett went out, and for a moment, the dog seemed uncertain whether to follow him or stay there. It eventually stayed, claiming to settle its head on Anders’ lap. «Hawke told me the story. Don’t you worry about those Templars, they’ve already been taken care of.»

«Taken care of…?» The mage frowned a little, and Varric sat on the edge of the bed as well.

«People get robbed and murdered daily in Darktown, don’t they now. Those Templars bravely tried to stop lyrium smugglers… it’s a pity they ended up with swords in their guts, all of them. They must have been taken by surprise.»

Anders kept frowning and petting the Mabari’s head, his fuzzy thoughts processing too slowly. He knew Varric could send words to the mobs acting in Low and Darktown, already making sure that none of them would bother the clinic… he probably had disposed of those bodies somehow, and spread news of a group of Templars quarrelling with lyrium smugglers, so that his clinic wouldn’t be exposed.

«Thank you, Varric.» He eventually said, and the other dismissed him with a gesture.

«Don’t pull the puppy face on me. But let me ask you something, now… what would be your plan, if more Templars show up at your doorstep? You got lucky Hawke was there to help.»

The mage pursed his lips for a moment, realizing that Garrett must have failed to mention that he hadn’t properly “helped” to dispose of those men… Anders had done everything by himself. Or better, he and Justice did. But Hawke had kept it to himself, and he felt a rush of gratefulness at that.

«I have my means.» He shrugged a little. «People keep an eye out for me, outside the clinic. If Templars approach, I hear a whistle. If I don’t because I’m too focused on something, others hear it. And drag me in the back of the clinic, pretending it’s a custom free hospital for refugees.»

Varric nodded, albeit not looking particularly convinced.

«And what if they decide to search the whole place and find you or your manifesto?» He insisted, and Anders smiled with another shrug.

«What’s with this concern over me? First you keep the Coterie away from my business, and now this? Are you wooing me, perhaps…?»

«Don’t get ahead of yourself, Blondie. You know my heart belongs somewhere else.» Varric patted his arm and stood up, moving beside Garrett which was getting back into the room. «I’ll leave him to you, Hawke. I trust you’ll keep him away from troubles until he’s recovered.»

«Trust me.» Garrett answered as the dwarf waved them goodbye. «Don’t you want me to accompany you-»

«Stick with the mage, or he’ll ran off to Darktown again!» Varric almost yelled, his footsteps moving down the stairs. «I know my way.»

Hawke sighed and approached, handing the mage a trail, and the Mabari moved away from his lap to let him take it.

«You actually got him worried, you know.» Said then, leaning on the canopy. «He’s been here the whole afternoon.»

Anders hummed in response, taking a spoonful of soup. Then realized to be actually starving and drank directly from the bowl, feeling better as the warm liquid filled his stomach.

«Thank you for not telling him.» Said then, rasping the pottery with the spoon. «About… you know. About what really happened. I know Varric already saw me… being Justice. Still, I prefer this way.»

«Well…» Hawke crossed arms on his chest, giving him a half smirk. «That was most certainly something _._ »

«I guess it was.» Anders lowered his eyes on the empty bowl with a wince. «It shouldn’t have happened, I know. And it wouldn’t have, if…» He paused and blinked, suddenly realizing _why_ he had freaked out the night before. There was a specific reason, after all. Not just the simple presence of some Templars.

«This could sound kind of inappropriate, even more so because people died…» Hawke commented, still looking amused. «But I must say I’m flattered.»

«What the fuck.» The mage narrowed his eyes, almost slamming the bowl on the trail. «What the fuck were you thinking, Hawke?! You were giving yourself to Templars in my stead!» He rose from the bed and pointed an accusing finger at him. «Don’t you dare. _Never._ You’re not doing something like this to protect me.»

«I can’t promise it.» Hawke shrugged, moving forward enough for Anders’ finger to press on his chest. «Nothing was going to happen to me. I would gladly go meet Knight-Commander Meredith, I never had the pleasure to speak to her, but I would have never reached the Gallows.»

«You…» Anders thought about retreating that arm, but eventually grabbed Garrett’s shirt and pulled him. «Stop that. I’m not taking the “nothing was going to happen to me” excuse even for a second. You’re not giving yourself to the Gallows, not even as a joke!»

«Alright. I yield.» Hawke raised both hands. «I’m sorry. Even if _nothing_ could have actually happened to me, you know.»

The mage sighed in surrender, backing off to fall sat on the bed again.

«There’s no turning back from that, Garrett.» He muttered, rubbing on his eyes. «Once you get that brand on your forehead, it’s… I can’t afford to let that happen to you. I can’t.»

«Anders.» Hawke sighed, giving a serious but somehow soft look. «I would have engaged those Templars as soon as they stepped in, if I had no other options.» He paused, and the mage rubbed his face again, biting back another retort. «If I tell you that I know what I’m doing, it’s because I know what I’m doing. I knew that Varric was around, Isabela too, and those Templars wouldn’t have set foot out of Lowtown… I wanted to get them away from your clinic, given how exhausted you were.»

«But you couldn’t fight.» Anders objected with a frown. «You were going to let them put magic-suppressors on you.»

«So now you think I can only fight with magic? Seriously…?» The other replied with a smile. «Templars aren’t really prepared to fight against a battlemage, and you’re the living proof of that, given how many you’ve taken down in these three years. Magic-suppressors are effective on fleeing magelings with no combat training, and on kids ripped away from their families. Put them on me and you won’t see much of a difference.»

Anders decided to relent, sighing as he tried to push back the mixed feelings he was having. He wasn’t angered at Hawke, not for real. And most of all, he shouldn’t have lost control like that, risking to hurt him too.

«Alright.» He eventually said. «I see your point. And… I apologize for what happened. I thought I had myself under control. I realize I risked to hurt you too, but you brought me here nonetheless. I should actually thank you instead of raging about.»

«It’s fine.» Garrett dismissed it with a gesture. «Let me only suggest you that you shouldn’t do that if I’m not around. I can’t talk you out of it, if I’m not there.»

He winked right after that and Anders had to smile a little, wondering how was it possible that Hawke wasn’t even a little disturbed by what had happened. Maybe he didn’t realize what he had risked. Maybe he didn’t care. But Hawke did have the tendency to joke just about everything, so it was nothing to be surprised of, after all.

Truth was, he shouldn’t have had anyone around, least people he cared about. Not until he had properly learned to control his bond with Justice. But it wasn’t easy to force himself into seclusion… he didn’t really want to, either. It would have been better for everybody, him included, still he couldn’t really bring himself to.

He sighed, again deciding not to talk back, and scanned the room in search for his jacket and boots.

«You’ve been a gracious host, but it’s better if I go.» Said then, standing up once more. «Where did you put my boots now…?»

«I had your clothes washed and your boots too, since they were a bloody mess.» Garrett commented, placing a hand on his nape in a friendly gesture. «You could enjoy a glass of wine with me, waiting for them to dry. How does this sound?»

«Nice.» Anders answered with a smile, and without really thinking about it.

He could wait for his clothes to dry, after all.

Hawke basically guided him through his mansion, keeping that hand on his back until he got him sat in his study, then went to retrieve a bottle and two glasses from a cupboard. Eyeing him the whole time at that.

«I’m not running away, you know.» Anders commented while giving him an amused look. «I can be a gracious guest too.»

«I know.» The other smiled back, handing him a glass of wine. «I also know you wouldn’t ever run away without your favorite boots. Luckily for me.»

«Running barefoot like an elf all the way to Darktown wouldn’t be a good idea.» He answered with a shrug, waiting for him to sit before drinking.

Hawke frowned a little and took a thoughtful expression, looking into the red liquid.

«You could use the cellar passage in my estate, to get to your clinic.» Commented then. «And also to come here, when the circumstances require it.»

«You mean…» The mage frowned a little. «Oh, well. _That_ would be inappropriate, wouldn’t it.»

«Not at all.» Garrett leaned on the back of his chair and twined fingers on his lap, as much as the glass allowed him. «Come here if you are in need of hiding from Templars, or if any kind of problem arises. I wonder why I thought about it just now, actually, the passage is right there…»

Anders had to blink for a moment, realizing that the other meant it for real, and wasn’t joking. He eyed his wine and shrugged, casually clearing his throat.

«Well.» He began, trying to think about an appropriate reply. «It would be… I mean, are you sure…? I’m not going to say no if you are.»

«I’m positive. I would sleep easier knowing you have a quick escape route from troubles.» Hawke stood up and moved away, and the mage followed him with his gaze, noticing him rummaging in a drawer. When he turned back, he was holding a key. «This is the key to open the cellar.» He resumed, handing it to him. «I’d leave it unlocked, but Orana or Bodahn could bolt the trapdoor if they found it open.»

«Thank you.» Anders couldn’t help another smile, taking the key. He unwrapped the lace from his hair and used it for a makeshift necklace. «I mean it.»

He did. He would have liked to stand up and hug the other, but refrained and just hoped Hawke understood how much it actually meant.

«I know.» Hawke smiled back. «And… I would also like the idea of having you around, sometimes.»

«You do pick me up for random errands.» The mage observed, still smiling. «Making me shirk my duties. And you remember when you said you would… come help me at the clinic. I would like that too, in fact, even just to spend some time together.»

_Wait, what am I saying,_ he thought immediately after, half regretting he had spoken. _It is not my place to talk like this. How do I take it back now…?_

«I mean…» He resumed, trying to act as casual as possible while playing with the glass. «I don’t really know what I mean. You’d probably better forget what I just said.»

«I think I get it.» Hawke smirked at him. «You know… errands and all are nice, but it would be even better to have you in my house. Of course I will come to help you at your clinic as well, if you’d let me touch some of your precious tools.»

The mage hesitated, trying to picture how it could be, to walk that passage and simply knock at Hawke’s door like that. It would be…

«I’d let you. I’d love if you helped me at the clinic.» He answered without really thinking. «And I’d love to come here from time to time. Still… I know this might sound silly, but I need to point it out… I am an apostate. Having me around too much might be dangerous.»

«But what a coincidence.» Garrett blinked. «I am an apostate too.»

Anders sighed with a half chuckle, shaking his head.

«Don’t be a dork, you know it’s not the same thing. But I get it. It’s fine. It’s… fine for Justice too, or so it seems.»

The spirit seemed to have nothing to argue about it, surprisingly enough. It probably was because Garrett had always supported and helped mages, and Justice had a high consideration of him. What Justice hadn’t liked was Anders’ thoughts drifting to Hawke a little too often, but he couldn’t really help it… and if Justice was not against it now, then it was probably alright.

«It’s funny, you know.» He eventually commented, looking at the wine still in his glass, and musing about sipping some. «I am used to people trying to stay the fuck away from me. And then there’s you giving me the key to your mansion and suggesting we spend time together, as if it was the most normal thing ever. It’s kind of hard to process.»

«It doesn’t feel strange to me.» Hawke leaned in, tilting his glass a little as if for a toast. «I would love to spend time with you, anytime you wish. How does it sound, Anders?»

He had to smile again, because damn it, it sounded awesome. He himself would have spent the whole remnants of his existence there, drinking wine or just chatting, if it was with Hawke.

«It sounds nice.» He said.

_What is exactly happening here…?_ Thought then with a hint of realization. _Why is he flirting with me like this?_

«Great.» Hawke smiled, tilting his glass again. «So what about you don’t leave me hanging here, and make the toast with me?»

Anders nodded and tried not to swallow too thickly as he leaned in to toast, thinking that he was _so_ going to kiss Garrett right there. And what was actually stopping him, after all. Maybe asking would have been a good procedure, though…

The two glasses touched but Hawke moved closer, enough for their lips to brush together, the fact sending quite the display of fireworks into the mages’ head.

«Can I…» He whispered, talking to his lips. «Can I… kiss you?»

Hawke answered with a low chuckle. Then tilted his head, and actually kissed him.

Still not truly believing what was happening, Anders took both the glasses of untouched wine and placed them elsewhere, never halting the contact, then grabbed Garrett’s shirt and pulled him closer. At the same time Hawke had taken a hold of his waist, and at that he lifted him up and had him straddle his lap.

«Yes, Anders…» He whispered eventually, now firmly holding him. «You can kiss me.»

The mage didn’t have the time to nod that they were kissing again, this time deeply enough to have him moan softly, sinking hands into Garrett’s thatch of black hair. He was completely breathless when they released each other, and yet unconvinced that all of it was happening for real.

Hawke caressed his cheek with a hand, a soft smile on his face.

«Look at you.» He said. «Seems like you just saw a ghost. Am I upsetting you?»

«No.» Anders replied, shaking his head as to enhance the concept. «I didn’t think… I wouldn’t have imagined…» He treaded his fingers through Garrett’s hair again, taking a deep breath. «You’ve been on my mind for too long. It’s hard to convince myself that this is no dream.»

«You continue to flatter me.» Hawke moved to brush his nose on the mage’s neck. «How can I return such a beautiful thought?»

«You were giving yourself to the Templars in my stead.» The mage answered, as Garrett leaned to kiss his neck. «You protect me as soon as you can. You never questioned me, never treated me like an Abomination.» He took his face and lifted it, as to look into his eyes. «You’ve always been there for me. And for three years I’ve lain awake, aching for you.» He admitted, leaning in almost at the point that their brows would touch. «I still think I could wake up.»

«Even if this was a dream.» Hawke answered, slightly pressing their foreheads together. «I wouldn’t allow us to wake up.»

As he tilted his head to kiss him again, Anders wondered how was it, that he trusted Hawke so completely to believe that he could actually prevent them from waking up, was that a dream.

«I’m going to take you to bed now.» Garrett resumed, massaging his hips with both hands. «If you don’t want this, it’s a good time to speak your mind.»

«Take me wherever you please.» He answered with a smile, nuzzling his cheek. «I’d make love to you on this very table, if it would please you. Or on the stairwell of your mansion. Or anywhere you see fit.»

«We can start with the bed.» Hawke chuckled, his hands going lower to give a playful squeeze to his rear. «And then moving here and there around the house, if you want to.»

He chuckled too, nodding on his cheek and wrapping both legs around his waist.

«As long as your dog is not around.»

Garrett picked him up and easily carried him to bed, even if Anders did try to hinder the procedure a little, kissing his neck and nipping at his ear.

Hawke laughed at it, trying to give back the playful bites and eventually almost toppling on the bed. They ended up laughing at each other while still entangled, lying sideways on the mattress. Anders tried to pull away Garrett’s shirt, tossing it on a side when he managed, and Hawke did the same while looming over him.

He just stared at him for a moment and Anders blinked, almost wondering if he had done something wrong, but Hawke lowered down and trailed kisses on his chest, moving to the hem of his trousers. The mage hummed in approval, caressing his hair and shifting to a more comfortable position, then lifted up his waist to allow Hawke to pull down his trousers. The cold air hitting his heated crotch had him almost twitch, and realize how actually worked up he was.

«You are very…» Garrett muttered and kissed him on the navel. «…very…» He kissed him again, pulling his trousers some more. «…very hot.»

Anders almost chuckled, still caressing his hair.

«I do feel like burning up.» Answered then, rubbing a black lock between his fingers. «May I ask you to get down to business…?»

«If you ask so politely, I can’t back away.»

Hawke mouthed him whole as soon as he finished, and the mage let out a relieved sigh, placing a hand on his nape without actually pushing. He enjoyed the sensation of that and of Garrett’s hands tightly holding him in place, and tried to snap back to reality after a while, realizing that he was actually going to finish like that.

«I’m… close.» He whispered, caressing the other’s jaw.

He hadn’t planned to climax that way, but it had been _so long_ and his body reacted as if he was fifteen again. And Hawke did seem intentioned on going through with it, actually quickening his movements after the warning. Anders bit his lower lips to hold back his voice, grabbing the bedsheet with both hands, and managing just a small sound and a twitch when he reached the peak.

He exhaled slowly, searching the other with a hand, basking in how blissful it was to feel that after such a long time. He tried to move up on an elbow to kiss Garrett, and the other kissed him back almost forcefully, squeezing him and making him moan in surprise.

Then seemed to calm down, and Anders smiled while caressing his face.

«It’s okay.» He said, nuzzling his cheek. «I don’t really need recovery time. You can take me.»

«I want you to touch me.» He heard Hawke whisper back, kissing his chin and neck. «I want to feel you desire me too.»

The mage nodded, actually somehow flattered to hear that.

He moved up, having them both kneel on the bed, and kissed the other while sliding both palms on his sides to work his trousers down. Then got as close as possible, their chests touching, and nestled his head on Garrett’s neck, exposing his own like that.

«I do desire you.» He whispered on his skin, stroking his cock with both hands, and feeling much pleased at how Hawke was throbbing and already leaking a little. «I’ve never felt this way towards anyone. I didn’t even know I could.»

«You’re so beautiful.» He heard the other whisper on his neck, before placing a wet kiss there. «I want to make love with you all night long.»

That sent a long thrill down the mage’s spine, having him nod urgently and increase the pace of his touch.

«You will have me as long as you please.» He nipped hard at Hawke’s neck, enough to leave a small mark. «I’m here, all for you to take.»

Garrett grabbed his head by pulling his hair on the nape, kissing him forcefully a moment later, his waist twitching. When he moved away, he slid two fingers into his own mouth and then pressed them on Anders’ lips, making him shiver again before taking them whole.

He sucked them thoroughly while staying as close as possible, at the same time slightly arching backward as to expose himself.

Hawke was staring at him with fire in his eyes and the most predatory look ever. He took his hand away and moved it down, pressing the wet fingers on his entrance, and keeping him close with the other arm around his shoulders.

Anders moaned softly as soon as the fingers went in, moving his waist as to accommodate the pressure, and nodding faintly. He knew a few spells to slick and prepare himself rapidly, but there really was no need for that now. That wasn’t some quick encounter behind a pillar in the Circle. Him and Garrett had all night long, the privacy of a house, the comfort of a bed. It was quite the most arousing thought of all that situation.

He moaned again, feeling knuckles spread into him, but kept focused not to stop stimulating the other. Not too quickly either, enough to keep him on edge. Then it hit him that he didn’t have to keep his voice down, and began whimpering softly as the heat on his belly pooled up; both their waists were throbbing by now, and he changed the touch so that their cocks would rub together.

«Yes, like that…» Hawke took his chin with the free hand, brushing their lips together. «Don’t hold it back.»

At that, Anders’ breath hitched and he felt his cheeks turn purple, but complied and tried to let his voice loose, staring at the other right into his eyes. Garrett gave a wide smirk and his fingers went deeper, making him whimper and twitch.

«Very pretty.»

He nibbled at the mage’s neck, lifting his chin up, then the nip became a bite, and Anders could feel it bruising already. He liked that enough to give an involuntary thrust, sinking on Hawke’s fingers again.

The moment later he was pushed prone on the bed. He felt Garrett rubbing against him with a growl and urgently nodded.

«Please…» He moaned, curling up to try and expose himself more. «Please…»

The other spread his cheeks and pushed against him, and the mage nodded as got taken a little too slowly for his tastes, but all the way in. A long caress on his back, up to the nape, and Hawke began moving into him, keeping him still.

Anders raised on both arms and tried to give back the push; he shook his head and called out for the other, demanding it harder, and clenched his muscles as much as he could. Hawke leaned on his back, almost smothering him, but he didn’t care. His arms shook for the strain of keeping both their weights up, and he still didn’t care, enjoying how complete it felt.

Garrett was already understandably close to the peak, and pulled away before finishing, as not to do it into his body. The mage breathed heavily for a moment and sat up, brushing damp hair off his face, then reached out for the other to pull him into a kiss.

«You can finish inside.» He said, snuggling on Hawke’s lap. «I’d like it.»

«I’ll remember it.» Garrett answered, reaching out to grab a cloth from the nightstand.

He used it to clean his palm, and Anders took his wrist and casually licked off what was left.

«Hm.» Hawke smiled, wrapping an arm around his waist and caressing his still present hardness with the other hand. «I like this too.»

«Hm.» He smiled back, mimicking the hum. «I’m glad.»

He began touching himself, covering Garrett’s hand with his own and directing the pace, and rubbing the nose on his cheek while doing that. It didn’t take long for him to reach the peak as well, and Hawke kept kissing and cuddling him in the meantime, while he occasionally whimpered at his ear as reward.

«You’re the most gentleman lover I’ve ever had.» The mage observed while wiping up the spent from Hawke’s hand again. «Not many people care so much for their partner’s pleasure.»

«This is because I like you so very much.» Hawke said, kissing his shoulder. «And I like to see you all messy and flustered because of me.»

He had to laugh softly at that, especially at how warm it felt.

They lied there together, almost snuggled in each other’s arms, the gentle crackling of the fireplace giving a sense of comfort that Anders had all but forgotten.

«Is everything alright?» Garrett asked after a while, slightly lifting his chin. «You look pensive.»

«I’m alright.» He answered, tracing the other’s jawline with a finger. «I was thinking that… I’m glad I got a pass from Justice over this.»

«Hm.» Hawke frowned, retrieving a blanket to cover the both of them. «And here I thought Justice liked me.»

«He does.» The mage shrugged a little, burrowing under the blanket. «It’s not because of you. It’s just… oh, never mind. I wish I could properly speak to him-» He had to stop and blink at the other’s stare. «What is it?»

«Nothing.» Hawke huffed a smile, hugging him and caressing his back with a palm. «I think I lost my track of thoughts. What were you saying about Justice?»

«That he thinks you are a distraction.» Anders smiled back. «More or less. He has nothing against you. He only scolds me because I think about you every so often.»

«Oh.» Hawke moved his hand to caress his leg. «I don’t want him to scold you, but I can’t blame him too much. You are a distraction for me too.»

Anders kept smiling and felt the sudden urge to hide under the other’s neck, but managed to just snuggle closer. He returned the cuddle with a hand sliding on Garrett’s chest, up to the neck.

«There I thought you were just teasing me…» Muttered then. «I was sure you were only trying to push, to see what was my limit. You knew I couldn’t hold back forever, did you now.»

«I was pushing, yes.» Hawke took his hand to kiss the knuckles. «But I was doing it to see what was _my_ limit, not yours.»

«But you…» Anders frowned slightly, turning the hand around to brush the lines of the other’s face. «I know what happened between you and Fenris. I didn’t think… I mean… I can see how you look at him. How he looks at you. What about him now?»

Hawke sighed, still caressing his hand.

«It doesn’t really matter.» He frowned as well. «We slept together once, and then he fled. It scared him, I suppose… and I felt quite remorseful for a while, but he kept sticking around, which is a good thing…» He blinked for a moment, then vaguely smiled. «But I moved on, if this was the question.»

«Hm.» The mage nodded, even if that wasn’t actually the question, but he couldn’t properly phrase it anyway. The part where Fenris fled he hadn’t heard about, after all, and that spread a whole new light over the situation. «So, hmm.» He cleared his throat a little. «You wish… you wish me to stay with you? I mean… this is not a one-night stand. Or is it?» He placed two fingers on Garrett’s lips, as to prevent him from answering. «Know that it would be fine if it was. I would still stick with you, even if you don’t want me in your house anymore. Nothing would change between us. So please, answer in earnest.»

«I don’t mind casual encounters.» Hawke softly kissed his fingers. «But they aren’t my favorites. I would rather have you at my side as my lover, if you want it too. But maybe it is too much to ask, after just one time…?»

Anders’ eyes went wide and he tried really hard to swallow normally. He stared for a good handful of seconds, then covered his face with a palm.

«It’s not too much.» He muttered. «Hawke, I love you. I know this sounds… I know. But I do. Still…» He paused for a moment and looked at the other. «Still, I am a fugitive. A renegade. You deserve better than me, you don’t have a future with someone like me. I would gladly devote myself to you, now and always, but please be sure. It would kill me to lose you.»

Hawke kept silent for a moment, and Anders waited. It felt like ages, but he waited.

«I will commit.» Garrett eventually said. «You won’t lose me, no matter what the future holds. I love you too… even if it sounds… yes, if it sounds like that.»

Anders’ breath hitched again, and he felt like laughing even if his eyes itched. He took Hawke’s face with both hands, moving closer to rest their foreheads together, and softly kissed him.

«No mage I know has ever dared to fall in love.» He whispered. «It was an unspoken rule in the Circle. I can’t believe I can break it now.»

«It’s alright.» Hawke nodded. «Just fall. I’m right here to catch you.»

He nodded back and kissed him again, then again, then deepened it and moved to lay more on top of him, hands into his hair, wanting to give himself whole. Hawke wrapped both arms around him, and he didn’t think he had ever felt so happy his entire life.

There were a thousand more things he wanted to say, but a part of him knew it was no time for words anymore. Or better, there will have been time for words. All the time in the world. Hawke was not going to leave him. He was not alone anymore.

«I love you.» He couldn’t keep himself from saying in between the kisses. «I love you, Garrett.»

«I love you too, Anders.» Hawke whispered. «It feels so silly that I didn’t tell you before. I love you.»

The mage smiled, knowing how stupid he was probably looking, but he didn’t care. They kept cuddling for a while, Anders still feeling unbelievably happy, some part of him convinced it was a dream again. But no, it wasn’t; this time Justice’s warm touch told him that it wasn’t, and he felt grateful to the spirit too.

And then somehow guilty for not having asked him a proper approval to do what he had just done. That was Justice’s body too, after all. Anders mentally thanked him again for how he was showing patience, knowing how hard it must have been for Justice as well, to cope with him.

_I will find a way to speak with you, my friend._ He thought, knowing that the spirit could somehow feel it. _And you will scold me for anything you like. I miss hearing your voice._

For now, Anders was so glad he couldn’t believe it. Hawke reciprocated him. He was going to have him in his life, as a lover, without hiding. And Justice didn’t disapprove of what was happening, otherwise he would’ve at least felt some kind of headache… Garrett was on their side, after all, he had proven that many times already.

He suddenly felt almost glad that those Templars had shown up at his clinic. He had to laugh at the thought, and told Hawke when he asked about it; he laughed too and agreed, and they kept cuddling each other, with the fire crackling nearby and its warmth enveloping them.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> Even if it might seem that the story is already getting into business, this is still the introduction. The main events will begin to unfold around chapter 5. A huge thanks to who's going to leave comments, they mean the world!


	3. Questioning Beliefs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you again for the comments guys ♥  
> And now we have an artwork for the first chapter, it's been posted there if you want to check it! This chapter is a bit short, so next update should come soon. Enjoy!

 

 

They had been together for a couple of months, Hawke and him.

For the first two weeks, Anders had been a little reluctant to show it in front of the others, just now and then casually brushing Garrett’s hand with his own, or smiling at him more often and more openly. Eventually they all found out, though. Basically because at some point, Isabela asked “how was it going”, clearly speaking to both of them, during one of their Wicked Grace nights at the Hanged Man.

The question could’ve seemed completely innocent, but the twitch of her brows and the sly smile clearly signaled that it was anything but a casual inquiry. And since Hawke was almost drunk at that point, he had answered with a satisfied grin, grabbed Anders by the collar and kissed him before the tableful.

This had prompted pats on the two mages’ back, weird compliments, an “about time!” on the pirate girl’s part, a delighted squeak from Merrill. Varric had also tried to get “his favorite Blondie” drunk to “celebrate”, but there was no convincing Justice over that. And all things considered, it had been a good night.

The following days were almost the same as usual. Merrill just made a comment about Anders seeming happy, and he had managed to genuinely smile at her, answering that yes, he was happy. Aveline didn’t seem particularly pleased by that new, but the mage couldn’t care less about her. The recently appointed Guard Captain never liked him much, and she was cordially reciprocated.

Fenris had made no comments whatsoever, seeming not to care about the whole thing, and for some reasons, Anders felt somehow relieved to notice that. Him and Fenris had their fair share of divergences already, least they needed was to antagonize each other over _that,_ too.

So it was eventually all fine. He would work in the clinic or with the Mage Underground during the day, and at night he climbed up the underground passage to the Hawke estate, sometimes not finding Garrett for he was away doing some errand or another; still, his manservant and lady Leandra seemed very pleased to have him there, and insisted he’d spend more time in the household, whether Garrett was present or not.

And Anders loved to, relishing the feeling to finally have a place he could somehow call home. He liked conversing with Bodahn and his oddly gifted son, or simply writing his manifesto with the fire nearby and a pleasant smell around, all making such a stark contrast with the bleak environment of the Darktown clinic. He was even beginning to like the invading displays of affection of Garrett’s Mabari. And to make it all better, when Hawke found him there upon returning home, his face would lit up in a way that warmed the mage’s heart like nothing else in the world.

But Anders couldn’t spend nearly as much time in the Hawke estate as he wished. Work with the Mage Underground was the most pressing and important issue in the whole city, finally giving him a mean to act against the constant abuse mages were subjected to; he could actively help escapees, families with mages relatives, had an easier mean to spread his manifesto, and even managed to get more mages out of the Gallows.

There was a mission in particular which required external help, having Anders consider asking for Garrett’s assistance. He had told him about the Underground, and Hawke was immediately willing to participate in their maneuvers, so Anders didn’t doubt he would’ve agreed to help him.

There were more and more Tranquil in the Gallows’ courtyard. Everybody could see that, yet everybody pretended not to notice, but not Anders; he knew Ser Alrik was behind it, and he was resolute in his decision that the Templar had to be killed. But the task could prove difficult, so even just finding evidence of his “Tranquil solution” would have been a start. If that plot truly existed in some written capacity, he had to expose it.

Hawke agreed straightway when spoken of it. Judging by his reaction, Anders would have sworn that he had personal resentment towards the Templars, even if he had lived a free life far away from the Circle. He told himself not to be surprised; Garrett clearly considered the cause of mages as a priority, being a mage himself and having had mage relatives, and also retaining a compassionate and generous soul hidden behind some amount of sarcasm. 

Anders had wanted to go just the two of them, but couldn’t say no when Hawke brought along Fenris and Isabela for backup. The procedure itself was dangerous, they could easily run into a large group of Templars, and even if Anders hoped for the mission to be a quiet and quick one, he preferred having people tagging along than endangering himself and most of all Hawke.

The whole thing turned out to be pretty quick, but not at all quiet. They ran into Alrik himself in the tunnels, with a large group of Templars indeed, about to brand a mage kid with Tranquility, just so they could calmly rape her.

Not only both the mage and Justice reacted like a fury to that display, but the spirit took complete control, turning so violent that they had been about to kill the mage girl too - almost cold bloodily, reacting to an insult she had screamed at Justice, calling him a demon.

They eventually didn’t, but solely because Hawke had stopped them, having Justice snap out of it just in time. But that had served Anders to realize that what almost everyone had been saying around him - cursed, possessed, _abomination_ \- was not far from the truth.

 

 

«Focus on my voice.» Hawke spoke calmly, but enunciating the words as if the mage could fail to understand. «Focus on my hands. You can hear and feel me, can you? Squeeze my arm if you can.»

Anders kept his eyes closed, teeth gritted, and clenched both hands on Garrett’s forearms. Hawke’s palms were pressed on the mage’s temples, and at that, the thumbs brushed his cheekbones.

He had him convinced to try and communicate with Justice, somehow, attempting to get a hold of their bond to govern himself more and better. And Anders had been trying for a while now, to have his inner connection to the Fade surface, as to bring Justice up in a more controlled way.

«You’re doing great.» Hawke resumed. «I will keep talking, and I will keep asking if you can hear me from time to time. Are you alright with this? Squeeze again for a yes.»

He squeezed again. He tried to stay focused on Garrett’s voice and his touch, and also on the fact that he shouldn’t _continuously_ squeeze his wrists, otherwise the whole question-answer method wouldn’t have worked.

He needed to learn how to get Justice to surge forward on normal means, and not only when he was extremely distraught or furious. After what had transpired, he desperately needed to find a mean to get a hold on both his and Justice’s uncontrolled reactions.

It couldn’t happen again, it couldn’t _absolutely_ happen again. He had to find a way, or he could never help mages gain their freedom, neither he could afford to be around people he risked to hurt. Not even being a healer was a feasible task for him, after what had transpired.

At least that “Tranquil solution” hadn’t been approved… the Grand Cleric and the Divine had rejected the idea, and having those papers meant that Ander could try to appeal to her, and ask her for help. Because Tranquil solution or not, people such as Alrik couldn’t be allowed to guard over mages in the Circle. Anders was sure that there were many other Templars who thought exactly like Alrik, or he wouldn’t have gotten away with his tortures for so long.

As he was trying to focus inwards, in the attempt to reach for his inner bond with the spirit, he felt Justice’s presence grow scorching. His eyes snapped open in a blur of azure light, and he clenched his teeth so hard it hurt; he panicked and tried to shove Hawke away, feeling control over himself slipping from his grasp, but Garrett hugged him and held him tight against his chest.

«I’m here.» The mage heard him say. «You can do this. Don’t be afraid.»

Anders’ breath hitched and he tried to swallow, frantically straining to hold the reins of control, and forcefully pushing Justice back inside.

_I can’t,_ he told himself, shutting his eyes tightly. _I can’t do this._

Hawke had managed to prevent him from causing damage, stepping in between him and that young mage. But if he hadn’t been there… Anders knew he would have killed that girl. He was sure he wouldn’t have managed to stop. He recalled how he had found himself covered in blood, Fenris and Isabela staring at them. She was simply wide-eyed, while Fenris…

He almost hid into Garrett’s neck, clearly remembering the glare of pure revulsion that the elf was giving him. Disgust and fear, worse than the looks Anders had received by Templars for his whole life. “Abomination” was the word on his lips. And how could he blame him now…?

«I’m sorry.» He muttered, lacing arms around Hawke’s frame.

_I’m not worth it,_ he thought the moment later. _Why is Garrett even trying._

«It’s alright.» Hawke replied, caressing his back with the whole palm. «There’s nothing to apologize for.»

It had been a rough week after that mission gone horribly wrong. Anders had refused to be around the others, slipping into Hawke’s mansion late at night, but only because if he failed to show up, Garrett himself would get down there and drag him home.

And he had been about to get away from Kirkwall, and simply disappear from those people’s lives before it was too late, before he would irreparably ruin them. Only Hawke’s support and unceasing reassurances had him hesitate, and ultimately decide to keep trying.

«But how can I do this. How can I advocate for mage freedom, if I am exactly what people are afraid of…?» He eventually said, disentangling a little from the embrace, enough so that they could look at each other. «Fenris was… he was right. I can’t-»

«Leave Fenris out of this.» Hawke interrupted him, cupping his cheek with a palm. «And yes, you are exactly what people are afraid of. You’re _a mage_. People are afraid of mages, because that’s what the Chantry taught them.»

«Why are you even saying this to me…» He frowned but tried to smile, leaning into Garrett’s touch. «What makes you think that I am not an Abomination? I know Justice is no demon. But what my rage is doing to him… I dare to call myself a healer, while my weakness turns my friend into this… this creature of vengeance. How long before you won’t be able to make me snap out of it anymore? How long before I hurt you too, or a patient of my clinic…?»

«Look at me.» The hand stayed on his cheek, and Hawke’s tone was more firm now. «Look at me in the eyes, and tell me what an Abomination is.»

«It is…» Anders did as asked and looked back at him. «…a mage controlled by a demon, possessing their body.»

«And is Justice a demon?» Garrett caressed his face now with both palms. «Is he controlling you like a puppet, to fulfil any kind of purpose beyond your will? Is he trying to create more Abominations? Did he rob you of your thoughts and feelings?»

«No.» He closed his eyes for a moment. «He never did any of this. It’s not Justice’s fault.»

_It’s me._ He thought with a wince. _It’s my fault. I’m hurting him, preventing him to get back to the Fade, trapping him into my body and twisting his purpose._

«You can’t demand of yourself not to struggle over this.» Hawke insisted. «There will always be someone calling you an Abomination. There will always be someone calling Justice a demon.»

«I know.» The mage vaguely nodded. Fenris had been calling them such ever since they met, in fact. And the mage hadn’t been bothered much… he was sure of himself back then. But how could he be sure _now_ , after getting so close to kill an innocent girl…? «Justice isn’t a demon. But…»

«There’s no “but” to that. Justice is no demon. And therefore you’re not an Abomination.» Garrett insisted. «Whoever calls you so does this because they’re afraid, or because they want you to be afraid of yourself. My father told me about how it works in a Circle, he told me how afraid of himself he was. How they made him to be.» His hands moved to Anders’ shoulders and squeezed. «Do not let their lies get to you. Even if you lose control, even if Justice is so enraged that you both tear down this whole city… you wouldn’t still be an Abomination. You’re human, Anders. You show it to me every day, and to the people of Darktown you heal, asking for nothing in return.»

Anders took a long breath, nodding again, and telling himself that Garrett was right. He was right. Justice couldn’t be a demon… and it was his responsibility to remember that.

He realized that in his enraged state, Justice had lost it completely when that mage girl screamed “demon” at him. Of course he did. Justice was terrified at the idea of turning into a demon… he had said it to Anders himself, years before, before Kirkwall and before the merging.

And he had done nothing but help him, support him, he had given himself whole to the cause of mages instead of returning to the Fade… the least Anders could do was to push forward on the path they had chosen, and not allow anyone to spit that “demon” at him.

«How is it…» He resumed, lifting a hand to brush Hawke’s cheek. «How is it that you manage to talk this much sense into me? That you’re not afraid of me? I would be afraid of me. Everyone was, but not you. How is this even possible…?»

Garrett took his hand and kissed the palm, then returned the caress.

«I haven’t forgotten that Justice surged forward to protect me, that day in your clinic. And with Ella, even if he was so furious he risked to hurt her, he still knew it was me. Both of you knew.» He gently combed Anders’ hair with the fingers, fixing blonde locks behind his ears. «You listened to me. You stopped. And it’s the greatest pledge of trust I could ever receive… have you any idea how much this makes me feel special?»

«It makes you…» Anders widened his eyes a little, realizing he hadn’t actually considered that.

«Yes, it makes me feel special.» The other repeated, now with a soft smile. «You told me you don’t trust yourself… then know that I trust you. There’s no “creature of vengeance” inside you, there’s just your struggle to do the right thing, to be an example for all mages in Kirkwall, to do something to help their plight. And there’s Justice sharing all of this with you.»

There was a touch of warmth into his chest, and Anders knew Justice was content with what Hawke had just said. He was thankful too, and wished to express it but just breathed out, lowering his head and feeling suddenly tired.

_I am so sorry, my friend,_ he thought, placing a palm on his own chest. _I am still not free of my chains, no matter how many times I break them. Forgive me for doubting you._

The spirit glowed into him, sending a long sensation of enveloping warmth, and Anders relaxed into Hawke’s arms when he embraced him. He realized that Justice was feeling guilty too for what had risked to happen with the mage kid… of course he was. Probably even a lot more than him. And Anders’ own doubts and regret were making it all worse.

«I am such a calamity.» He muttered with a half-smile, nestling his head in the crook of Garrett’s neck. «I would be lost without you.»

«You’re a calamity.» Hawke replied with a smile in his voice. «And I am lucky enough I can be by your side.»

«You’re too good to be true.» Anders replied, embracing him back. «I love you.»

«Yes, I forgot to mention that…» Hawke lifted his chin with the knuckles, having their eyes meet. «I am also so lucky that you love me as much as I love you.»

The mage smiled again, feeling some more stress being lifted from his shoulders. Justice was still warming his chest when he moved closer to kiss Garrett, and it felt like they both were comforting him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dissent had to happen, right?  
> And it surely wasn't very smart of Hawke to bring Fenris along. The reason why he did so can be chalked up both to the fact that Fenris is indeed the perfect backup for any kind of mission, but most importantly, because Garrett hoped that involving him could help him realize how much Templar brutality is a problem for mages.   
> Guess it backfired!
> 
> About what's happening with Justice: basically Justice and Anders can't communicate right now, they can only share feelings and intent on some levels. There is a way for them to achieve a more healthy bond, but it's not something which comes naturally to a mage hosting a spirit. This kind of things require a training which obviously Anders never had, and Chantry teachings about possession and abominations burden him more than he's willing to admit. It doesn't really matter what he tells himself, there will always be this lurking feeling around the corner that he's doing something horribly wrong, and when Justice snaps, that feeling becomes overwhelming. Especially so now that they risked to kill Ella.   
> Afterwards, when Anders tries to reach Justice and have him surge forward in a non violent way, he gets too scared every time he's close to managing, and shoves Justice back inside (even if nothing bad is actually about to happen).   
> The fact that the spirit feels guilty as well doesn't help, obviously.
> 
> A big hug to everybody following us here!


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